Separation anxiety

In the first months and years of life, a child goes through enormous development, both physical and mental, and one of the stages that all children go through is so-called separation anxiety. This can be a very exhausting period for parents, especially if the child has so far spent time with no one other than the caregiver (usually the mother) completely without problems; however, it is an important part of a child’s development and we should accommodate it whenever possible. What is separation anxiety, when does it occur, and how can you overcome it?

What is separation anxiety

As soon as the caregiver disappears from the child’s sight (whether outside the home or just into another room), the child thinks they will never see them again and becomes anxious. At the same time, the child wants to explore their surroundings (they are more mobile, and usually already starting to crawl on all fours), but they would have to move away from their mother, which creates an inner conflict. Separation anxiety is a sign of healthy development and of forming a strong bond between mother and child. It is, however, a demanding period that should not be underestimated. 

When does separation anxiety occur

From 6 months of age, a child can distinguish familiar and unfamiliar faces and becomes attached to the caregiver (most often the mother). Then between the 7th and 8th month, separation anxiety begins, which to a greater or lesser extent may persist until the child is 3 years old, or it may come in waves. It may appear around 18 months of age and around 2–2.5 years of age. It can also show up after some major stressful situation, such as starting daycare/children’s group, the birth of a sibling, or moving to a new apartment/house. It is not uncommon for children to experience separation anxiety even after starting kindergarten or school.

Signs of separation anxiety

Not only crying means that a child is going through separation anxiety. Possible signs are:

• hysterical crying when the mother leaves,
• fear of strangers,
• inability to fall asleep without mom,
• frequent waking at night or nightmares,
• bedwetting,
• fear of the dark,
• tantrums,
• loss of appetite,
• the child wants to be carried constantly and hides behind the mother.

How to overcome separation anxiety 

You need to devote time, love, understanding, and above all contact to the child so that the anxiety eases and gradually disappears. 

• Start practicing separation gradually; have, for example, grandma watch the child briefly — even half an hour is enough at the beginning.
• Play peekaboo — for example, cover your face with your hands and peek out.
• Always say goodbye to the child and tell them where you are going and when you will return; then make sure to keep that promise.
• Create a leaving ritual with your child.
• The child should spend the separation in a place they know and feel safe in.
• Do not leave the child when they are sick or hungry.
• Take the child out among people often so they know that there are other strangers too and do not have to be afraid of them.  
• Do not rush the child; each one needs a different amount of time to adjust to change.
• The parent also needs to be ready for the separation. Children sense any uncertainty and react to it immediately. 

Some parents notice extreme separation anxiety, some none at all. It very much depends on the child’s temperament and their attachment to the caregiver, so children cannot be compared in this regard. It is very important not to scold the child in any way for their behavior, not to let them cry alone, but to support them and give them enough time to go through separation anxiety as they need to. 

Thanks to today’s informed parents, this period can be handled without unrealistic expectations and fairly calmly. If it turns out to be rather stormy and physically exhausting, know that in a few months you will already look back on it with love, remembering how the little child was glued to you and just needed time and your arms.